


Breathe

by pr0nz69



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Interior monologue, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-28 23:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15717324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pr0nz69/pseuds/pr0nz69
Summary: Shiro's back, but Keith feels worse than ever.[Season 3 Spoilers]





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Written by pr0nz69 the younger.
> 
> Binge-watched this show in < a week like two weeks ago, so here, have some angst! Written totally off-the-cuff so I hope it's coherent?? Keith strikes me as the anxious type (who else listens to relaxing music while they sleep?).

Shiro is on the brink of death when they finally get him aboard the Castle of Lions, and that’s what scares Keith the most, that they cut it so close, that if he hadn’t been out prowling empty space in his lion ( _Shiro’s_  lion) then they might not have found him in time. He tries to convince himself, for his own sanity, that the Black Lion would have guided him regardless, would have felt the ebbing life force of its other paladin and set out to find him, but it’s been temperamental before, maybe even more than the Red Lion, and in the end, Keith can only thank his stubborn nature for continuing the search when the others had all but given up. (They deny it, but he saw the defeat in them, and he can’t condemn them for it, but it still sickens him, and he knows that’s just another sign he’s not fit to lead anyone.)

Shiro’s thin as a rail and delirious with exhaustion. He can’t stand on his own, so once they get him out of his suit, Keith slinks an arm around him and hefts him over his shoulder. He feels skin stretched tight over muscle and bone and grimaces. He tries not to panic--he’s the leader now, after all, as bad as he is at it--but he ends up snapping at the others-- _get away from us_ , _don’t touch him_ , _clear a path_ , _who do you think’s in charge here?_  It takes Lance putting a hand on him, and him shaking it off, and then Allura doing the same before he can calm down.

“Keith, we’re on the same side,” she reminds him, gentle but stern. “We _all_ want to help Shiro.”

It brings him back down, and he relents, reluctantly, to allow Lance to help him carry Shiro because he didn’t even realize his knees were shaking beneath him.

\----

They hook Shiro up to feeding tubes in the sickbay. His wounds aren’t severe, and Keith won’t let Coran put him into a recovery pod because he can’t bear to see him like that right now, isolated and confined, looking like some kind of macabre science experiment with his arm and scar. It isn’t rational, it’s selfish, and he knows that, he’ll surrender his role as leader after all this because he isn’t suited for it, but he needs to be near Shiro, needs him to feel the warmth of human contact, the beat of another’s heart. The others are sick of dealing with him, he’s sure, and once Shiro’s stable, they leave them alone together, and even if it’s out of pity or disgust, Keith appreciates it more than he can express.

He sits by Shiro’s bedside and watches him breathe, watches his chest rise and fall, and it’s like a lullaby. He holds two fingers to Shiro’s wrist and counts the beats per minute obsessively, panics when it’s too high or too low before realizing it’s him, his counting’s off, he can’t steady his own heartbeat. He hyperventilates thinking of what might have happened, what _almost_ happened out there in the vastness of space, and when he finally composes himself, it feels like he’s run a marathon, and he can’t seem to catch his breath.

The others come down to try to get him to go to dinner, but he isn’t hungry, hasn’t had much of an appetite in months. They let it go this time, but when they wake him the next morning from where he’s slumped over Shiro’s bed (he doesn’t remember getting there), they take him bodily to the cafeteria and won’t let him leave until he has some foodstuff weighing like a rock in his stomach.

“I know you’re worried about him,” Pidge says. “We  _all_  are. But you need to take care of yourself, too.”

She doesn’t understand, none of them understand. It’s different for them. Without Shiro, they can go on living. Without Shiro, they can function.

Keith isn’t sure he can.

\----

After considering it objectively during his long hours by Shiro’s side, he concludes that he’s probably obsessed. He  _knows_  his bond with Shiro isn’t conventional, isn’t  _normal_. He doesn’t know what to call it when he does shit like this, reaching out to stroke hair from Shiro’s face or daydreaming up ways he’ll kill himself if Shiro dies.

It’s upsetting to think about, even to him, but it’s like quicksand, and the more he tries to get out, the further he sinks. There’s devoted and then there’s batshit, and he thinks he knows now where he stands.

\----

He starts to calm down once Shiro wakes up. There’s relief in the immediate moment, but then something like anhedonia or maybe just apathy overtakes him like a wave pulling him under, and he can’t feel happy even though he knows he should.

He goes through the motions anyway because Shiro’s already traumatized and confused, and he doesn’t want to make it worse for him. He stays by his side like a dutiful pet dog, tends to his every need like a nurse, comforts him like what he thinks a mother is when he wakes up screaming from a nightmare and a splitting headache.

But everything feels so empty, and it hurts, in a dull, muted way, that he can’t even savor their reunion, that he feels almost worse than he did before. It makes no sense. He keeps thinking about suicide, but not in any concrete way, just abstract, because he doesn’t want to live anymore but he’s too afraid to die.

In a moment of clarity, he understands what it’s like to go crazy.

\----

Shiro, on the other hand, rapidly improves in health, both physical and mental, and Keith isn’t even surprised when he calls him on his bullshit just days after waking up.

“You just seem on-edge is all. And I want you to know that you can always come to me for anything, no matter what it may be.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Keith says too quickly. “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just--I’m just--”

His breath catches, and he chokes, and of course he gives himself away like that because he’s a rubber band stretched too far, pulled too hard, and--

“Keith--”

“I’m going crazy,” he gasps, breaths coming out in shuddering bursts. “I’m going crazy! The things I said when you were out, the things I thought--they’re not normal, Shiro,  _I’m_  not normal!”

He’s starting to panic again when Shiro puts his flesh-and-bone hand on his and brings him back. “You’re  _not_  crazy.”

“How do you know? How do you know that? You don’t know the things that were going through my head, the things that I--“

“Keith.” Firmly now, authoritative. “Calm down. I  _know_  you. I know you’re not crazy. Would it help to tell me about it?”

_No_ , is Keith’s immediate response, but instead he stutters, “I-I don’t know.” He shouldn’t dump this on Shiro, not while he’s still recovering, maybe not even when he’s well. It’s selfish, which is just like him, but he can’t help it, he needs comfort, and none of the others would understand (and he knows he won’t even give them the chance to because no matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop shutting them out).

Shiro squeezes his hand. “Just calm down. Take some deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth.”

Keith tries and ends up panting. “I can’t! It doesn’t work! My heart’s going too fast!”

“You  _can_. You just need to hone your breathing technique. Practice. Remember, patience yields--“

“Focus. I know. I know.” It’s been the mantra ringing through his head since Shiro disappeared. “I-I’ll try again.”

He does, and it doesn’t go much better.

“Good job,” Shiro says anyway. “It’s like learning to pilot a ship. It takes time. I learned from the other prisoners throughout my captivity. You’ll get there.”

Keith isn’t sure he will, but he nods anyway. “I-I don’t think I can talk about it today. I’m sorry, Shiro, I--I’m supposed to be the one in charge now, but I can’t even pull myself together, and I”--he heaves a ragged breath--“I-I c-can’t even--”

“Keith,  _breathe_.”

“I--I--“

“Don’t talk. Just breathe.” Shiro scoots forward on his bed and pats the space behind him. “Come here. Let’s practice together. Lean against my back so you can feel how I do it.”

Keith flushes and scrambles onto the bed to hide it. “Like this?” He leans back and feels a thrill up his spine as their bodies touch.

“Just like that. Now inhale through your nose to the count of four.”

Try as he might, though, he still can’t steady his heartbeat, and now he has another, altogether different, reason for it.

\----

They practice breathing  every day, and every day, Keith gets just a little bit better at it.

“It’s helping me, too, you know,” Shiro tells him after one session, and Keith feels his heart tighten with guilt.

“I’m sorry-- _I’m_  the one who should be supporting  _you_.” He’s made it all about himself again, like he always does. He unfolds his legs, moves to slide off the bed, but Shiro catches his hand, stopping him.

“Stay. Please. You  _are_  supporting me. Let me help you, too.”

Keith doesn’t move. “I’m the leader, I should--”

“If  _I_  had been a better leader, you wouldn’t have had to shoulder this burden. I should have protected you like I promised I would back then.”

Keith’s head snaps around. “Shiro--don’t blame yourself for this! You’ve done more than enough for me! I’m just--I’m just some messed up kid from the home that you took a chance on. You don’t owe me anything.”

“I owe you my life, Keith.”

That stops him cold. “Not… Not really,” he mumbles into his jacket collar. “You saved me back then.”

“So”--Shiro’s hand closes over his--”I guess that makes us even?”

It’s so hard to accept despite the inherent logic in it. Shiro saving him was a favor he wasn’t owed. To save him in return is only natural.

But he knows Shiro doesn’t want to hear that. “I guess so,” is all he says, and he feels Shiro’s back relax against his.

“Regardless of the circumstances of our past, we stand as equals now. You’ve become an exceptional pilot and a respectable man in your own right. That was all you, Keith--I had nothing to do with it.”

_You’re wrong, Shiro,_  Keith wants to say.  _I’m the man I am today_ because _of you._

“You motivated me to be the best that I can be,” he says instead.”I’m glad you took a chance on me.”

He feels the rumble of laughter against his back and wants to melt into it. “Me too.”

They lapse into silence, hands still twined together, but neither moves to disentangle them. Keith wonders if Shiro can feel his heartbeat, or if he’ll ask about his shallow breathing, and he tries to control both.

That’s when he realizes, finally, that what he feels for Shiro isn’t obsession.

His heart rate spikes again with a new, fluttering anxiety.

\----

“I thought about killing myself.”

He feels Shiro tense up against him. He’s dared to lay his head back on his broad shoulder, and now he wonders if maybe it’s _too_ intimate, at least for this conversation. He lets out a thin, quiet breath.

“Not… you know, seriously or anything. I didn’t make plans, I mean. I just thought… What would I do if you had died? And that’s the only thing I could come up with.” His voice hitches. “I’m… ashamed.”

“Don’t be,” Shiro says, a little uncertainly. “I’m no stranger to such… _fantasies_ myself. More than once, I thought about throwing it in the arena, just to end it all.”

Keith forces himself to inhale through his nose, silently counting to four. “I’m glad you didn’t,” he breathes out.

“Me too.” After a pause, Shiro adds, “Keith, promise me that if I die, you won’t go seeking death yourself.”

Keith scrapes under his fingernails for dirt that isn’t there. “I…” _One, two, three, four._

“ _Promise_ me!”

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven._ He doesn’t want to say it. Eight more beats, and he exhales. “I _can’t_.”

Shiro is silent for a long while.

“I know,” he says at last. “But try. For me.”

Keith expels all his breath. “I’ll try. For you.”

\----

When they kiss, it’s Keith who initiates it, to his own surprise. Shiro seems shocked as they pull away even though he leaned into it, too.

“I’m not that little orphan boy from before,” Keith says, feeling foolish even as the words leave his mouth. He sighs, simultaneously anxious and exasperated. Slowly but surely, he’s getting feeling back, and it’s both terrible and wonderful.

“Look,” he says, “I’ve grown up. My feelings have… changed. I understand if this isn’t what you wanted for us. I--we don’t have to talk about this again.“

He’s red with embarrassment even as Shiro cups his cheek in his hand. “It’s just… It’s a lot to take in all of a sudden.”

“Yeah. I--sorry.”

“No--don’t be. Your honesty is… refreshing. You really have grown, Keith. I’m proud of you--and a little envious, too.”

Keith blushes harder.

“I think we both have some things to work through on our own before we think about… this.”

“Yeah,” Keith agrees. “Yeah, you’re right.”

It doesn’t feel bad, having it turn out like this. It isn’t a rejection, and that’s enough for him, for now. Just to know that Shiro doesn’t see him as a little kid anymore… It’s a relief he didn’t know he wanted.

Shiro smiles, hand sliding from Keith’s cheek to his shoulder, and he squeezes it lightly. “For now, stay by my side. Voltron needs you. _I_ need you.”

“You know I’ve always got your back. No matter what happens.”

He thinks about the promise he couldn’t make. It’s a black spot on his loyalty. He needs to work on that.

He inhales, and breathes.


End file.
